Journey to Peace

Most divorces begin with a level of moderate to high conflict. Within the first year most parents settle into cooperative or parallel co-parenting arrangements. Yet, there is a significant percentage of divorcing parents where hostility and disputes about childrearing continue long after the divorce. Today most professionals involved in the divorce process believe that the adversarial nature of traditional legal action increases parental conflict and increases the probability that the family will suffer more emotional and financial damage during the course of obtaining a no-fault divorce.

Consistent and pervasive parental conflict creates a significant risk to the emotional well being of children enduring daily parental conflict. And after years of research mainstream legal professionals are seeking and incorporating different conflict modalities, treatments, and solutions in the process to reduce parental conflict and lessen the risk of maladjustment in children experiencing the loss of family cohesion as a result of separation and divorce. There is a growing recognition amongst legal professionals that parents need assistance in learning how to constructively communicate after a divorce, information about the developmental needs of their children to design parenting plans that serve their best interests, and training on how to manage their children in separate households. A quiet revolution is taking place as well amongst consumers. Couples with children are demanding that the legal system provide alternatives to litigation when they divorce, creating a plethora of opportunities for therapists who understand that families experience divorce as a process that requires emotional support to adapt to the loss of family cohesion and to positively adapt to the systemic changes inherent in every divorce.

For couples who are capable of handling their divorce-related issues in a non-adversarial manner, mediation and collaborative divorce are emotionally and financially useful in terminating their relationship and ameliorating the detrimental effects of the process on their children. For those couples struggling with post divorce parental roles and difficulty with communication co parent counseling can reduce dysfunctional behaviors and stress producing parental interaction. But, for parents who cannot separate their needs from their children’s and who are unwilling to protect their children from their own emotional distress or ongoing disputes with each other, litigation is frequently the path they choose. In the context of traditional divorce

litigation the court will need the assistance of guardian ad litems, parent evaluators and parent coordinators to help them to develop a parenting plan and to abide by the terms of the court ordered parenting arrangement. Regardless of whether the couple chooses mediation, collaboration, or litigation, they are likely to look to mental health professionals to some extent to assist them in the method they select.

Mediation offers divorcing couples the opportunity to address their concerns and negotiate their financial and parenting interests to reach a consensus agreement with the assistance of an impartial third party. Once an agreement is reached, it is reduced to writing, the couple is encouraged to have the agreement reviewed by their separate attorneys to assure their rights have been adequately addressed, and the document is finalized and signed by the parents. There are a variety of mediation models, and the mediator chooses the method most appropriate to the goals of the couple.

In Facilitative Mediation the mediator assists the couple in exploring common interests, generating options, and making decisions for themselves, leaving the outcome entirely up to the design of the couple. This is frequently used to resolve parenting style differences, scheduling conflicts, and intangible parenting differences. Transformative Mediation attempts to do more than just find a resolution. It is a meditative process in which the mediator’s goal is to empower the individual to communicate openly and to understand the other parent’s perspective. Success is achieved when each parent is capable of communicating their opinion in a way that is heard by the other and is able to show respect for the other parent’s right to have a different opinion. This method is particularly beneficial in overcoming emotional impasses which hinder resolution of problems. In Evaluative Mediation, or Traditional Settlement Conferences, the mediator or settlement master uses his or her professional experience and knowledge to proffer probable outcomes on the issues preventing settlement to sway the couple to reach an agreement. In Therapeutic Mediation the mediator uses therapeutic techniques to encourage discussion of the underlying emotional problems to establish a basis to overcome impasse in order to allow candid and effective negotiations. Feelings and how they impact the couple’s behavior are the focus, and the mediator encourages each parent to acknowledge how their feelings are impacting their behavior, and to address the consequences of their emotive actions. The Strategic Mediation model is a systemic approach focused upon reaching a resolution to the presenting difficulty. It is a problem-solving approach which stresses the hidden dimensions of a conflict. The mediator develops a systemic analysis of the case. It is different from Therapeutic Mediation in that the goal is not to help the couple express their feelings. In the

contrary, the mediator usually suppresses expressions of feelings in order to accomplish the calculated goal of conflict resolution. Therapists who are interested in serving as a mediator must obtain special training. Most courses require between 30 to 40 hours of seminar education, and a period of supervision or mentoring.

In the Collaborative Divorce the couple and their attorney’s enter into a written contract that mandates cooperative negotiation of the disputes to settlement and prohibits their attorney’s from representing them in litigation if they withdraw from the process. Clients promise to act in good faith and to voluntarily disclose all relevant information. The couple works with a team of legal, financial, and therapeutic professionals. Therapists serve as “coaches” to aid the parties in constructive, clear, and rational communication and identification of underlying emotional barriers that lead to impasse. In addition, they serve as child specialists bringing the voice of the children to the negotiation table, educating the parents about the developmental, temperamental, and cognitive needs of their children to minimize the detrimental impact of the transition from a nuclear to a bi-nuclear family, and helping the couple to be child focused throughout the negotiation process. Therapeutic professionals must participate in 30 to 40 hours of mandatory training, become involved in local collaborative groups, and join the local and international Collaborative Associations.

If the couple chooses litigation to resolve their differences, they are more likely to be involved in a high conflict relationship, where communication is significantly impaired or non-existent. One or both parties are emotionally unable to compromise due to a belief that to do so will be detrimental to themselves and/or their children. Court ordered resolutions are required, and judges, and the parties attorneys, looked to trained professionals to provide insight and unbiased perspectives regarding the best interests of the children. In this situation the court will appoint a Guardian Ad Litem or a Parent Evaluator to investigate the factual allegations of the parties, report the facts that corroborate or refute the allegations, and make recommendations regarding the residential, decision making, and treatment. Both are required to file a written report. The primary difference between a Guardian Ad Litem and a Parent Evaluator from a legal perspective is that the Guardian Ad Litem must appear in court for all hearings, at mediation, and at trial. In addition, the Guardian Ad Litem must attend a mandatory 40 hour training, and be mentored for a period of time after certification. Parent Evaluator’s usually have graduate training in psychological assessments and doctoral degrees in psychology. However, neither is required under Washington State Law, if the

therapist is qualified to render an opinion as an expert. There are some Parent Evaluators with post graduate forensic training who also serve in this capacity.

Parenting Coordination requires a mental health provider to assist in the implementation of court ordered parenting plans. The Parent Coordinator acts as a go-between, mediator and at times arbiter of the disagreements that arise in the implementation of the parenting plan to help high conflict parents to implement the plan and develop a functional co-parenting relationship. Usually, the primary goals of the Parent Coordinator are to implement the parenting plan, to monitor parenting plan compliance, to resolve conflicts that arise under the plan quickly and efficiently, to resolve conflicts regarding their children and the parenting plan in a timely manner, and to protect and sustain safe, healthy, and meaningful parent-child relationships.

Parental conflict reduction therapy, or co-parent counseling, is recommended for couples continuing to experience moderate to high levels of conflict after divorce or wanting to improve communication to make it more comfortable for them to participate in child related activities and decision making. The co-parent counselor may help parents reach decisions together regarding their children or assist a parent to resolve their anger towards the other parent, or their grief, relating to the end of their relationship. They provide insights and teach skills to improve communication. They also help the couple to change the way they relate to each other, redefine relationship boundaries now that their intimate relationship is over, and to accept their roles as co-parents. For therapists who want to serve as Parent Coordinators or Co-Parenting Therapists, training in dealing with high conflict couples, brief structural therapy, and stragic systemic modalities is very helpful, as well as a temperament that can tolerate high levels of intense negative emotion and attempts to manipulate the therapist.

I hope more therapists will join this quiet revolution and major shift in the legal paradigm. The families involved in the legal process of divorce need you.