Journey to Peace

Ordinarily, children use their parents as a social reference for what is safe and trustworthy. However, when parents are in the process of divorce or separation, children face the profound dilemma of making sense out of vastly contradictory views communicated by the hostility, fear, and distrust between their parents. Unless their parents are able to find common ground to explain the end of the family life the child has grown to love, they have to figure out for themself, why it happened, what it means, and who can be trusted. A daunting task for a child.

The child must also, manage the profound financial and social changes caused by the physical and emotional separation of the parents. Distressed parents, are frequently emotionally unavailable during this time, causing the child to prematurely bear the burden of taking care of a parent’s emotional needs, and to hide their own needs and feelings or align themself with the most needy parent.

Because the child is often the centerpiece of the parents arguments during the separation process, to varying degrees the child feels responsible for their disputes, and mostly feels helpless to control, or stop their conflict, which heightens their stress and increases their vulnerability to emotional problems.

Children are at greater risk of developing emotional problems, unless they are given tools to cope with their feelings, opportunities to make positive meaning of the uncontrollable changes in their lives and have an attuned personal or professional support system to assist them through the process of recreating family life in the wake of divorce.

How Can Parents, Family and Friends Help?

1. Recognize that, when parents are overwhelmed, in high conflict, or depressed, the children are also, and will benefit from therapy.
2. Do everything in your power to reduce harsh exchanges in the presence of the children. If you cannot, then these exchanges should be made in public places.
3. The parents should point out any and all positive aspects of the changes in their lives. If you cannot think of any, you need to understand why. A therapist might help.
4. Give them opportunities to get away from the stress through age-appropriate activities and social outings. Family and friends can really help in this area.
5. Last, but not least, children need an age-appropriate explanation for the cause of separation that does not involve blaming, shaming, or criticizing the other parent.

Children under the age of 10 frequently find it easier to understand the difficult concepts of changes in adult relationships if put in story form. Make up a story that explains what is happening to them and gives positive meaning to what is happening in their lives.

These stories should include the following elements:

The narrative should provide a positive blueprint, a story, or family-life tale in which there are no villains or heroes just essentially humane characters (whether animals or people) who are well intentioned but who nevertheless make mistakes and have very human strengths and vulnerabilities

Most important, the story should include clearly stated permission for the child to have a continuing relationship with each parent and to love both of them. The most helpful stories will show children how to select the good parts of each parent and how to identify with those parts and see themselves as competent and lovable people.

The story should explain concretely that the parents were not able to satisfy each other in some important way, and that for these reasons the parents were disappointed, frustrated, and unhappy. It should show how the parents tried and failed to make the relationship work. Negative personal attributes can be reframed in nonjudgemental ways as value differences between parents or they can be reframed as special, albeit troublesome, capacities in the basic, enduring nature of a parent.